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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24845098">Lost and Found</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedMare/pseuds/RedMare'>RedMare</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Mass Effect Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aftermath of Torture, F/M, Healing, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Multi, Psychological Torture, Torture</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:21:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>14,750</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24845098</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedMare/pseuds/RedMare</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Nihlus is taken captive, Saren breaks his own rules</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Saren Arterius/Nihlus Kryik</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Lost and Found</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">


        <li>
            Inspired by

            <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/1995147">Super Psycho Love</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninalanfer/pseuds/ninalanfer">ninalanfer</a>.
        </li>

    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This work was inspired by ninalanfer, a wonderful writer. I'm a sick person and took it out on Nihlus</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The events of the past several months had grabbed their relationship by the scruff and shaken it like a pyjack in the mouth of a varren but the passage of time had allowed everything to begin settling back down into normalcy again. Or at least as normal as it could be being on board a small ship in the middle of nowhere with a highly volatile and somewhat unpredictable man prone towards violence. Despite his feelings of admiration, respect, and yes, attraction, there was still a small part of Nihlus that feared his mentor or at least feared the unknown that his mentor represented. Sometimes it felt like a coin toss as to what would upset the man. The span of close to two years together had at least reduced the odds of Nihlus inadvertently upsetting the Spectre but somethings were still very polarizing between the two. Saren’s standards and expectations were high but he adhered to them himself so it wasn’t unreasonable.<br/><br/>What was unreasonable was the expectation the Nihlus would just fall in line. If it weren’t for the fact that the pale turian never forgot anything, no matter how trivial, Nihlus would have suspected that Saren had forgotten his past of multiple transfers and relocations prior to Spectre candidacy. They often butted heads over procedures, strategies, and protocols, and in most cases, Saren’s way won out. At the beginning of his apprenticeship, Nihlus thought that Saren simply didn’t care about his opinions or ideas but gradually he came to realize it was all just another test, another hoop to jump through. What he still couldn’t tell for sure was whether Saren valued his ideas or viewed them with any appreciation. Nihlus knew that Saren worked alone, had always worked alone and would more than likely, continue to work alone but a small part of him held out hope that maybe he could continue to work with the Spectre after he was appointed… If he was appointed.<br/><br/>The report and evaluation had been sent to the Council several weeks ago but still, no decision had been made. Saren and to a similar extent, Nihlus, saw no point in sitting around waiting for bureaucrats to make up their minds and so had found a new mission to start. Drug cartels weren’t usually Spectre worthy cases but this group had started to encroach on slavery and extortion. Neither turian could stand such exploits and decided to inform the cartel, with violence. Which was why they were in the ass-end of the Traverse, crawling from one planet to another, looking for the leader of the cartel. Saren, being practical, decided that it was pointless to do anything about the lower level players without first toppling the tip of the pyramid. He intended to destroy the entire operation eventually but the chaos and disarray would make the job easier. It also gave Nihlus a chance to continue to practice his infiltration skills.<br/><br/>It was no good stalking prey who knew it was being hunted and unfortunately for Nihlus, Saren’s face was too distinctive to make a good tracker. Nihlus got the honors of trolling through the seediest areas he’d had the misfortune to come across. He tried to remember that at least Saren trusted him to the task even when some of the places and contacts made him want to retch. But if he wanted to prove to the Spectre that he was worthy of the job, worthy of the status, worthy of him, he ignored the invisible filth he felt must be clinging to him and did what was required. His efforts were at least paying off, slowly, but an inside source was found and Intel was promised.<br/><br/>The current planet they were on was a study of gray. Gray buildings, gray clouds, gray everything. It was an industrial hub and not much else. The perfect place for slavers, smugglers and other people of disrepute. Nihlus, wearing yet another persona, was currently planetside, waiting to meet up with the latest contact. Not much was known other than the time, the location, and the type of clothing their contact would be wearing. They’d worked harder for less before but patience was wearing thin.<br/>“Lovely place. Full of shit and cold” Nihlus muttered as he pulled the collar of his coat up higher around his neck. “Lots of cold.”<br/><br/><em>“Focus” <em>S</em></em>aren’s voice was distorted and muffled from the communicator jammed in his ear. Nihlus refrained from frowning at the tone. Even for Saren, it was short and irritated. What he had to be irritated about though, Nihlus didn’t know. He was in a warm, comfortable ship, thousands of miles away in outer atmo. <em><em><em>“Any sign?”<em><br/><br/></em></em></em></em>“Not yet,” Nihlus muttered as he refrained from trying to breathe too deep. The grim even painted the air grey. Deciding that staying relatively in one place would decrease the chances of him and his contact inadvertently circling each other he found an old bench under a dilapidated transit hub and took a seat. A cold drip found its way down the back of his collar. Minutes passed. “You sure they got the right coordinates?”<br/><br/><em>“Don’t be ridiculous. Try being patient”</em><br/><br/>Nihlus did roll his eyes at the hypocrisy but he too was growing tired of the hunt. He was ready for action. Any kind of action. “You sound tense. Relax a little.” It wasn’t something he would have said to Saren’s face but considering the distance, he felt relatively safe from physical harm. Silence was his only response so he hazarded another risk. “Perhaps I could help you relax”. His sub vocals expressed just how he would encourage relaxation. He’d been laying down such remarks for the past several weeks to so far, no reciprocity. It was about as bold as he’d ever dared.<br/><br/><em>“Focus on the mission,”</em> Saren responded in an even voice.<br/><br/>Nihlus again suppressed his grunt of displeasure. Did I misread what’s been going on? Was he even interested? He had no further time to mull it over as a person in a short brown coat and muted blue cap approached. The figure wasn’t even looking at him, instead of keeping their gaze on the ground directly in front of them. Nihlus kept his posture relaxed and causal, just as if he was waiting for the next transport to arrive. The new arrival took a similar stance, still avoiding looking at him. It could have just been a coincidence but considering the person’s attire and the fact that this particular transport was out of service, Nihlus felt his pulse quicken. Still, he said nothing. No need to be hasty.<br/><br/>“You’re not Arterius”. The soft voice belied the asari hiding under the cap.<br/>“He’s busy right now. He sends his regards.”<br/>“Pity. Would have liked to meet him. One hears so many stories.”<br/>“And they’re all true. Including the bit about varren army and hidden lover on the elcor home-world.”<br/>“Sounds like you know him pretty well. Close?”<br/><br/>He laughed lightly. “Not as much as you’d think.” Not as much as I’d like. A few subharmonics that the asari wouldn’t even detect made the message clear to the one that could. “You have the goods?” <em>Spirits that sounds cliché, it’s just a data drive!</em><br/>The asari smirked and stood up. Slowly she sauntered off but when she realized that Nihlus wasn’t following she glanced over her shoulder. “Coming?”<br/>“Where?”<br/>“I don’t have it on me. Too risky. Coming?”<br/><br/>This wasn’t the usual routine for an information drop but he had little choice. He tried to keep his suspicions in check. Maybe she was more paranoid than she let on. <em>And maybe Saren will show mercy for once.</em> It was a short walk but it ended in a back alley. A dead-end alley. or so he thought. A door opened into a dimly lit interior held open by a grim-looking batarian with high-class armor. He hesitated for a moment but it wasn’t like the alley was any more dangerous than the street. This wasn’t the place of humanitarianism. Each “good” deed was only given after payment was confirmed. He could be attacked in the middle of a crowded square in broad daylight and his odds of aid were the same. Still, the ally was narrow and he felt very exposed without his usual armor.<br/><br/>Slowly he followed the Asari as the batarian followed him. It was a short walk down a dark hallway that opened into a seedy bar right out of a cheap noir film. Dim red lights cast almost everything into shadow, a perfect tool to high light the stage where a grey plated female turian was twining her way around a conspicuous pole. Most of the patrons were quietly nursing their drinks, ignoring the world around them. Whether it was genuine or merely a facsimile was something Nihlus had no time to decide as he was led to a private booth guarded by more batarians only these were in suits. Suits that failed to conceal the silhouettes of weapons underneath.<br/><br/>Yet another batarian actually sat in the booth. Four yellow eyes glinted behind a veil of smoke. He too wore a suit but of much higher quality. Nihlus would have scoffed at such an overplayed troupe but something about the expressions on all the faces and just the demeanor of everyone present made him hold his tongue.<br/><br/>Saren buzzed in his ear. <em>“Nihlus?”</em> Between the biometric readings from his omnitool and his silence, even Saren could sense that something was amiss.<br/><br/>A ring of smoke was blown in his face. “I hear you know Saren Arterius”<br/>“Who? Last I knew I was working for a man named Rycik.” One of the front-names used when the Spectre was considering setting up new contacts. Nihlus didn’t always agree with criminals on payroll but even he could see the benefits.<br/><br/><em>“Nihlus, get out of there</em>.” Saren’s voice was urgent.<br/><br/>“Cut the crap kid. You don’t last long in this business without knowing the true names of the major players. What do you know about Arterius?”<br/>“’Know’ is a…generous assumption,” Nihlus said as he scanned around the area. Most of the patrons were still seemingly preoccupied with their drinks but there was a subtle tension running throughout the room. The female turian was still gyrating around the pole, grinning at some inside joke. He stifled the urge to flinch as two more shadows resolved into a barricade behind him.</p><p>With his exit cut off he started calculating the odds and wasn’t happy with his result: Not good. Each person was armed and almost all had some form of armor. Nihlus had his pistol concealed in the small of his back but it wouldn’t do him much good without shielding or armor of his own.<br/><br/>“When I heard that Arterius was looking for new information I was expecting to meet the man himself. Not some flippant messenger boy. Where is he?”<br/><br/><em>“Nihlus get out of there now!”</em> Briefly, Nihlus wondered if Saren’s voice was loud enough that the others could hear.<br/><br/>“And I would know that? I’m just a messenger after all?”<br/>“You’re message said that you are working on his behalf.”<br/><br/><em>“Get the fuck out of there!”</em><br/><br/>Wanting to roll his eyes at such an impossible demand, he responded. “Doesn’t mean I know any details. I get a ping through a secured channel and the credits are wired into my account from an untraceable source. Now, are you going to give me the info and let us get on with our day?” Plan after half-formed plan raced through his head. If he could keep them talking long enough-<br/><br/>“Seize his omnitool.”<br/>-or not…<br/><br/>“Hey hey hey wait a minute now! I was promised information and I’ve got credits to pay for it! Besides, you take my tool and you’ve no way to reach Sar-Arterius!” It didn’t stop the two thugs behind him from grabbing him but that was all that they did, looking to the suit for further instructions.<br/><br/><em>“Nihlus no!”</em><br/><br/>“You think you are the only contact between myself and Arterius? You fool, you are merely a convenience.”<br/><br/><em>Think of something, don’t let them slip through your grasp!</em> “Maybe, but he trusts me! You take me out of the picture and it’ll be an uphill battle getting anything like a reliable contact with him again.”<br/>“‘Trusts you’ you say? Arterius doesn’t trust anyone. You must be something ‘special’ then. Bring him in”<br/><br/><em>Good fucking job Kryik. Only you would willingly walk into a trap.</em> He felt a small nudge in the middle of his back before an electrical current roared through his body. The pavement rose to meet his face in an unpleasant manner as the communicator shrieked in his ear. The last thought going through his head was not about what Saren would have done had he even ended up in this situation but was rather how pissed he would be if Nihlus ever saw him again.<br/><br/>o.O.o<br/><br/>It was hard to tell when the darkness of unconsciousness faded and it was only the darkness of the room that persisted. The dim light was only enough for him to make out vague shapes and contours of the room. Not knowing his location was hard enough but the overwhelming lack of clues was enough to make his heart race. Taking a deep breath he proceeded to categorize what he did know.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <em>Surroundings: Floor….hard, metal, dusty, and cold. Walls I can’t see. Ceiling I can’t see.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Self: Sore. Very sore. Bound hand and foot. Injuries: shoulders hurt, cheek bruised. Why? Oh yeah, falling….Could be worse.</em>
</p><p><br/>Based on what he could and could not sense, Nihlus hazarded a guess that he was still planetside at least. No hum of a drive core and delayed effects of gravity dampers.<em> Planetside is good…Which planet? How long was I out?</em> He was starting to breathe too fast again. He rolled over onto his back before sitting up. Through trial and error he was able to position himself with something firm, either a wall or a crate, against his back. It was always easier to think with something solid behind him. <em>Like Saren...</em> He shook his head. It wasn’t prudent to think of him right now. There was no guarantee that Saren was even looking for him. At the beginning of his training Saren had made it clear that if he fell behind, he would be left behind. No, it was best to assume that he would be on his own and that he’d better start formulating a plan. And that plan started with figuring out where the fuck he was.</p><p><br/>Growing up as a mercenary’s kid, kidnapping wasn’t unheard of. Not quite common but close enough. Nihlus had been introduced to the concept early. He didn’t have many he could call friends, even at a young age, especially at a young age. Slavery and trafficking was always a threat to the unwary or just unlucky. His father’s standing had been high enough that Nihlus as fairly free to be outside so long as he kept close to the shit hole he called home. Others hadn’t been so fortunate. Eventually, he stopped trying to make friends as it served no point when they’d ultimately leave in one form or another. Once a kid had actually been found and returned to his parents. The look in the poor bastard’s eyes and the screams heard at night had been enough to convince Nihlus that he’d end it himself before anything happened if he were to be taken.</p><p><br/>Before he could start hyperventilating again, a door opened with a hiss and a flood of light as two figures entered and approached. On closer inspection, they resolved into two baterians in medium armor.<br/>“Finally awake princess? Boss wants a talk with the ‘special guest.’” Both sniggered as they dragged him to his feet.<em> Oh yeah, shoulders definitely hurt.</em><br/>“Where’s your boss?” Nihlus tried to make his voice sound politely exasperated with everything.<br/>“You’ll see soon enough” the guard huffed as he undid the restraints around Nihlus’ feet.</p><p><br/>Nihlus walked along without a struggle trying to map the direction they traveled and memorize all the turns. Brief glances out the window confirmed they were still on the planet, possibly in an older office building. Judging by the disarray it was no longer used for clerical work. The walls were the same uniform color and the floor had the same repeating pattern. It was no good. Even if the guard wasn’t deliberately taking him in circles, Nihlus couldn’t keep track of where they were.</p><p><br/>Finally, they came to a stop in front of a set of doors as the guard palmed the lock and shoved Nihlus through. The room was mostly empty of anything other than people. The batarian in the suit was standing center stage with a handful of bodyguards. A female turian was off to the side, ignoring everything and everyone.<br/>“Welcome oh important, trusted contact of Arterius. I hope you’ve enjoyed our hospitality?” The suit spread his arms open as if in welcome while the bodyguards smirked. “I’m sure you’re wondering why we’ve brought you here to our humble home?”<br/>“To finally get around to exchanging our credits and information? Really, you could have saved yourselves a lot of time and effort if we’d just done this back in the alley.”<br/>“Oh but you said you were important to Arterius, that he trusted you. I think you know more about him than your letting on.”<br/>“As I told you guys, know is a very generous,” Nihlus objected. Keeping his subharmonics in check was getting harder by the minute.<br/>“Don’t be stupid, Navek, it doesn’t suit you.” Nihlus blinked at the use of his own pseudo name.<br/>“What? Surprised that I know that much at least? It seems I run a neater operation with better control over my underlings than your boss does. Does he even know you’re in our custody?<br/>“If he does he doesn’t care. I’m just a messenger after all. It’s not like I’m of any value to him beyond the work I can provide.” <em>Little too close to home…Damnit focus!</em><br/>“Do you honestly expect me to believe that? Look at the pieces. I know who you are. I know who you’re working for, I know what you’re looking for and I know why. You don’t even know who I am do you?” The batarian shook his head. “You stupid boy, I am Udarish Fed'golak.” Nihlus couldn’t stop the jolt that ran through his body as the leader of the drug cartel they were chasing casually introduced himself. “Yes you stupid, stupid boy. Do you see what you’ve unwittingly stumbled across?”</p><p><br/>The gloating smile on Golak’s face was all Nihlus could see. His thoughts were a jumble and mostly consisted of a repeating litany of every curse he knew. He knew they were getting close to finding the head but not this close! <em>How had he found out? They were so careful…Fuck I wish Saren were here. He’d know what to do.</em> Another thought crashed through the whirling chaos, one that sent a chill down his spine. <em>He told me his name, showed me his face. He doesn’t intend to let me leave here alive!</em></p><p><br/>A soft chuckle pulled his eyes back to Golak. “No doubt you’re wondering why I’ve introduced myself to someone who is no doubt, trying to kill me. Unlike you, I am not a stupid man. I believe in knowing my enemies and finding a way to get them to work for me. You, stupid boy, are going to tell me everything you know about Arterius. In return, I’ll let you live. I may even put you on the payroll.”</p><p><br/>Nihlus knew he was lying. There was no reason for him to want another go-between like “Navek”. He had plenty of lackeys at his disposal, ones without a history of turn-coat. Even if he wasn’t lying, which he had no reason not too, there was no way Nihlus could give him what he wanted. He knew the odds of him making an escape were rapidly dwindling, he knew that Saren had most likely counted him as “justifiable losses”, knew that he was on his own. But he wouldn’t give Saren over. He would not betray him. Saren had taken him in and given him an opportunity when everyone else had counted him out. His military life had been horrendous: being sent from unit to unit, ostracized squadmates, and scorned by his commanders. Then Saren arrived and brought with him a purpose, a path that was almost designed for him. He had made him a home of sorts, given him an education, a future. Never something he would have dreamt of. It wasn’t easy or even straightforward and some of the things he’d had to do hardly made for a clear conscious. But it had been right, had been necessary. And it was thanks to Saren. There was no way he could give in, betray Saren. Even if Saren didn’t come, even if he died here, he would die a better man than before he had met Saren.</p><p><br/>Ignoring the way his mandibles twitched and fluttered, he looked Golak in the eye. “I’m just a messenger.”</p><p>Golak just sighed. “I’d had hoped to do this the easy way but have it your way.” He nodded to the female turian before stalking out of the room.</p><p><br/>The female causally stood and stretched before sauntering over towards him. Normally a connoisseur and avid pursuer of all things pretty and willing, Nihlus couldn’t stop a shudder from just a brief glance. Pale plates in a particular shade of gray he’d normally appreciate glinted with a slick, oily look. Normally delicate features were twisted by a glint in her eyes that only came from the enjoyment of others suffering. A kick to the back of the leg had Nihlus’ knees hitting the floor and a rough hand pulled his fringe back to look up at her as she planted herself in front of him. Yeah, definitely not attractive. Too…evil.</p><p><br/>“I’m Sillea”, she said, voice caressing the air surrounding them. “And we, my pet, are going to have some fun.” The sinister grin spread further across her face. “All you have to do is play nice. But you seem like the kind to play….rough.” Her taloned hand cupped Nihlus mandible and he tried not to flinch from it. “My boss, however, is a busy man and wants his results so, tell me, who are you really and how do you know Saren Arterius?”<br/>“He said it already, I’m just a messang—“Her hand struck him across the face, adding to the fire that was his left cheek.<br/>“Come now, I don’t actually want to hurt you.” I need to hurt you. “All you have to do is answer truthfully and we’ll let you go.” She looked down at Nihlus expectantly but Nihlus didn’t budge. He knew she was lying. Why would they let him go? When he didn’t answer Sillea knocked him across the face again from the other direction. Nihlus had to shake his head to clear the stars from his eyes. “Oh, how wonderful. You do want to play with me.” Her voice was full of lust for violence.</p><p><br/>o.O.o</p><p><br/>Part of his Spectre training included withstanding interrogation but he had to admit that Sillea was good. He didn’t know how long he had spent with her but what he did know was that he hurt. A lot. As they dragged him back to his cell (his legs had given out long ago) he could confidently say she was a professional. Everything hurt but nothing was seriously injured. It was the same technique Nihlus had seen as a kid. They were going to play the slow game of torturing the victim just enough without doing any life-threatening damage to allow the captors to carry on the next day. And the next.</p><p>With nothing in his stomach other than a determination to see this to the end, Nihlus curled up and tried to rest as best he could. Judging by how he felt, he was covered in bruises and frankly was kind of glad he couldn’t see himself. It couldn’t have been pretty. Sillea had kept to her bare hands; she seemed to enjoy how they were the instruments to cause him pain. Nihlus expected her to vary her methods in the next coming days and that it wouldn’t be pleasant. So far he hadn’t screamed which seemed to frustrate her. While he was proud of the fact, he worried that it would only motivate her further. The floor had barely stopped spinning before Nihlus allowed himself to succumb to slumber.</p><p><br/>A while later, he wasn’t sure how long, they woke him up again, this time with a cold bucket of water dumped on him. As soon as he stopped gasping and chocking, Sillea was there to greet him looking way too cheerful for what she was about to inflict.</p><p><br/>“Hello my pet, I hope you’re feeling well, it’s going to be just you and me today,” she grinned as the doors shut behind her leaving just the dim light to illuminate the room.<br/><em>I feel like crap.</em> “Like a ray of sunshine,” he muttered, not bothering to move from the puddle beneath him.</p><p><br/>Her bare-foot talons clicked on the metal floor as she approached and crouched down beside him, gripping his face in a firm hand. She tilted his face side to side, inspecting her work.<br/>“So sad on such a pretty face,” she pouted. “You going to play nice now?”<br/>When Nihlus didn’t oblige she pulled him up by his face, forcing him into a kneeling position. She seemed to enjoy him in such a submissive position. Maybe she got off on it. Wicked bitch. When she pulled out a knife, Nihlus found couldn’t shift his gaze from it. Although he didn’t visibly flinch she saw his muscles tense.</p><p><br/>She approached him with a smile and laid the flat of the blade alongside his mandibles and drew it down in a terrifying version of a lovers caress. The edge slipped down until it reached his collar. With a twist of the wrist, the knife turned and sliced through the cloth with unsettling ease. She drew it down along one arm then the other and with a few quick nips, cut it from his body leaving his torso bare. Nihlus tried to tell himself it was just the cold water that made him shiver. He almost believed it.<br/>She then pulled a couple of small, greyish strips from a pocket and sauntered around until she was behind Nihlus. He refused to turn his head and so couldn’t see what she did but he did feel her pat the small of his back and presumed she had placed the strips there. She continued the circle until she was facing him again and with a grin planted a third on his chest, right above his heart. She then stepped back and pulled up her omnitool.</p><p><br/>“This is one of my favorite games. If you’re a good boy I may only have to use it on you once or twice. I really hope you’re not a good boy.” Her grin was pure cruelty.<br/>At Nihlus’ raised brow plate she pressed the hepatic display. Immediately electric current roared through his body making his muscles clench and spasm. A startled hiss was all that escaped Nihlus’ clenched teeth.<br/>“Lovely. So are you sticking to your story today? What’s your name ‘messenger boy’?”<br/>“Navek” he replied for what sounded like the thousandth time. She slapped him across the face.<br/>“How do you know Arterius?” It was the same questions as yesterday.<br/>“I’m just a messenger-“his voice cut out as she slapped him again. It didn’t matter that he didn’t finish. It was the same answers anyway.<br/>“Where is he?”<br/>Nihlus’ response was a sub-vocal growl telling her where to visit.</p><p><br/>As the tool lit up again, Nihlus couldn’t stop himself from arching as the current raced through him, his arms straining against the bonds... He could feel himself shaking violently but was powerless to stop it. It felt like an eternity but she removed it after only a few seconds. Nihlus sagged forward, gasping and trying to clear the dancing lights from his eyes and the buzz from his ears.<br/>“I do get tired of the same old things, don’t you?” A light of a different source danced in her eyes as she stared down at him. The omnitool added a flair of orange. “Wouldn’t it be much more pleasant if you’d just cooperate?” Her smile said that she hoped he wouldn’t.</p><p><br/>Nihlus just glared in return. He knew she wanted him to suffer but he wasn’t going to betray Saren. She continued to work him over for several hours, asking the same questions over and over, striking him when he responded with the same answers or illuminating her omnitool when he didn’t respond. The strips she’d placed ensured the current danced all over his body regardless of where she stood. Before long, Nihlus was shaking and twitching even without the current running through him. While he hadn’t screamed yet his voice was getting shakier and weaker. Sillea had the patience of a hunter, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. After a particularly long bout of contact that left Nihlus sobbing for air, she once again crouched down to his level and used her other hand to tilt his face up to hers.</p><p><br/>“I’m starting to lose interest in this game my pet. You’re just making this needless hard.” Her voice was soft, almost soothing after her harsh questions. “I can make it all go away, the pain, the suffering. What do you owe this man hmmm? He doesn’t care for you.”</p><p><br/>Part of his Spectre training had included conducting interrogations himself. One of the tricks was a variation of the good cop-bad cop routine where one person played the role of both. It would start with the bad cop and when the victim was weakened, suddenly the good cop would step in, offering a balm of peace. Sillea obviously knew this tactic and since Nihlus also knew this tactic, he knew he could play her. He’d had backups planned for such an event.</p><p><br/>“I-I,” he had to pause to work some moisture back into his mouth. “Ty. My name is Tyverik.”<br/>“Good Ty, good,” she crooned, stroking her hand along his face in what was surely meant to be a soothing gesture. It made him want to gag. “See, it’s not so hard to tell the truth. Now, what is your real job?”<br/>“I am a messenger-No wait!” he jerked back as she raised the box again. “I-I am, but not just a grunt. I’m more important than that!” Hand still raised, Sillea paused so he continued, “I’m not just go-between guy, and I only carry the important messages, the ones to people who matter. Saren, he, he doesn’t trust just anyone for the big jobs you know?”<br/>“What garnered you such trust from him?” She lowered her hand and peered into his eyes.<br/>“I was a street rat on Omega. Several years ago. I tried to, to pickpocket him. I didn’t know who he was! He caught me obviously but he didn’t hurt me, much, when I immediately confessed. I begged for his mercy and he took pity. He gave me a small errand and when I fulfilled it he paid me! Then gave me another job! And it grew from there. It’s been years now, he, he trusted me” Nihlus tried to put as much sincerity into the story as he could, acting as self-deprecating as he could be, emphasizing how magnanimous and idealized Saren would have looked to a desperate street rat such as “Ty”.</p><p><br/>He couldn’t tell what Sillea was thinking, she was too good. She stared at him a moment longer before sitting back on her heels. She took her hand away from Nihlus’ face and placed it near her ear. She must have had some communicator and whatever she heard made her nod slightly and grin. She reached back and gave Nihlus a small pat on the cheek. He relaxed slightly, still playing the part of the oblivious victim.</p><p><br/>“See now, that wasn’t so hard was it?” her hand dropped down to the ridge of his cowl. “Isn’t it much nicer to just follow the rules?... Not worrying about appearing needlessly strong… Just being able to have a civil conversation, no?” With each sentence, her hand dropped lower until it rested against the bare skin of his waist.</p><p><br/>The touch made Nihlus twitch; his skin was already over-sensitized from all the electricity and the touch itself was anything but friendly. He hadn’t thought she’d would take this direction. He was sure that she was a creature of violence and would grow bored when the signal to halt for the day was given. She only seemed to get excited about violence and pain. Not… this…</p><p><br/>“Don’t” He put as much meaning as he could into that one word. The pain he could handle. Not this.<br/>She smiled, “Don’t what Ty? You don’t want this? You were so cooperative just now, don’t you want a little reward? Hmm, a little treat?” She gently squeezed his side.<br/>“No, I…Not this. I don’t...” He couldn’t stop himself from shivering a bit but it only seemed to encourage her.<br/>“It doesn’t have to hurt. I can be nice if I want” Her hand started to fiddle with the hem of his pants.</p><p><br/>Nihlus knew this kind of thing happened. His parents had tried to shelter him from the worst the galaxy had to offer but things tended to leak through. He growled at Sillea but she only grinned wider in response as her hand slipped in. Gently, almost not even touching him, she ran her finger along the seam of his pubic plates. He couldn’t stop himself from trembling but otherwise tried to show her no response even though the touch was magnified by the fear and adrenalin coursing through him. She gradually increased the pressure until, completely against his will, his plates started to loosen and the natural fluids started to accumulate. He tried to growl again, tried to make his voice as low as threatening as possible but all that came out was a half thrumming, half whining rumble. He closed his eyes but could still feel her lean in closer.</p><p><br/>“Mmm my, isn’t this much better?’</p><p><br/>Nihlus was tired. He was sore. He hadn’t eaten or drank or slept in at least two days. His whole body hurt and all he wanted was to slink away to a dark hole and lick his wounds. Maybe if he had had a little more sleep or something to eat or even didn’t hurt so much he could have held on, could have fought it a little more, not let it get to him. But he hadn’t had any of that and so he snapped. Every muscle protested violently as he reared back as far as his bonds would allow before smashing his forehead into Sillea’s nose as hard as his body would physically let him. He connected-hard- and she fell over backward with thick blue blood streaming down her face. Fear and rage raced through Nihlus’ body but with no outlet, all he could do was tremble and pant. He fought down a keening whine; he wasn’t going to let that bitch hear how upset she had made him. He knew he fucked up, knew that he had given her an opening. She was too good. She’d seen right through his act.</p><p><br/>Sillea picked herself up slowly from the floor with deadly grace and gently dabbed at her face with a talon. She didn’t even glance at it as she glared at Nihlus who did his best to return it. She backhanded him with hard enough to send him sprawling, landing heavily on his bound arms. It was with a shock that he realized he couldn’t feel his hands any more but he didn’t have any time to dwell on it as she pounced on him. One hand slammed his head into the concrete and her other, the one with the 'tool, latched onto his throat. Once again Nihlus arched up off the floor, teeth clenching and muscles contracting. The grip around his throat grew tighter until he could hardly draw breath. Vaguely he registered her gripping his fringe as she lifted his head before slamming it back against the ground. That was the last he knew before darkness took him once more.</p><p><br/>o.O.o</p><p><br/>He had no idea how long he was out but it couldn’t have been long. Fatigue still racked his mind but was now joined by a dull but persistent ache. When he came to he was still shirtless, still in the storage room and still bound although this time his arms were in front now. He flinched when he saw Sillea sitting on a crate. She wasn’t alone this time.</p><p><br/>“Morning handsome. Ready for more fun?”</p><p><br/>He wasn’t given time to answer before he was jerked upright and a bucket of water was poured down his throat, choking and blinding him. Although he was able to swallow some and quench a portion of this thirst, most ended on the floor as his lungs burned in a coughing fit. When he finally cleared his lungs and could breathe again, he found himself standing with his arms tied above his head. He was thankful for that support as he didn’t think he could have remained upright unassisted for long. Even still, he found himself sagging, half hanging and half standing on his toes. The pain in his joints soon had him panting in pain.</p><p><br/>He had hoped that by revealing his “true” name and his supposed importance to Saren that his captors would cease with the interrogation attempts and resign him to prisoner status while they tried to extract a ransom. He knew Saren would never have given them a cent even if the story was true but he had hoped it would give him time to come up with an escape plan. Sillea quickly disabused him of that notion.</p><p><br/>“You didn’t honestly think that that would work did you Tyverik? If that even is your real name. Do you want to know where you screwed up? Hmm?” she taunted him in a singsong voice. She was holding some metal rod to the flame from a gas torch, not even looking at him. “It was when you mentioned Saren’s pity. His forgiveness. Qualities Saren doesn’t even know the definition of let alone possesses. You almost had us going. For a second.” The tip was beginning to glow a red color. “What were you hoping for? That your antics would delay us somehow? Somehow give Arterious time to find you and rescue you? Why would he do that? You’re nothing to him. You are nothing!” Her voice had started quiet but rose in volume until at the last word she pressed the now white tip of the rod to skin between two plates.</p><p><br/>Nihlus screamed. There was no other response. There was no question to answer, no response. This was about pain, plain and simple. Even the fact that he had disturbed her composure enough that it was now personal, wasn’t enough to stifle his cries. Even after she removed the brand, heat, and pain radiated out and he retched a little at the smell of burning flesh, his flesh.</p><p><br/>“Where is Saren Arterius?” Sillea demanded, returning the tip to the flame. She may have had a personal vendetta against Nihlus but she still had a job to do. The bruising around her nose didn’t do anything to mitigate the hatred in her features.<br/>“I’ve already…already….told….you,” he panted. He didn’t want to hear his sub vocals begging for her to stop. She pressed the rod to him again.</p><p><br/>The scream tore its way out of his throat. He didn’t want to but he had no further choice in the matter. His mind was shredding under the torment and it was becoming harder and harder to maintain his resolve. The truth was on the tip of the tongue and sometimes the only thing that kept him from speaking up was him gagging on his own pain and revulsion. When the iron rod once again had cooled to the point of needing to be reheated again, Sillea would touch him again. If anything, her soft caresses were worse. Nihlus’ body shook worse as she traced her fingers along his jaw, his hip, his waist, and lower… wherever she could elicit a reaction from him. This day was worse than the previous as this time there was an audience to his humiliation.<br/>Everyone was smiling and laughing, everyone but him. Shame welled up even worse than before. Sillea was nothing if not persistent. She knew just how to hold and where to pull. He couldn’t stop his plates from spreading no matter how hard he tried not to, couldn’t swallow his moans and pleas no matter how he choked. Sillea wasn’t just content to provoke him; she’d twine her body around him, her grace made all the lewder as she was clearly deriving as much pleasure as Nihlus was disgusted. She’d lean in and whisper in his ear about how much he must like it, remind him how he moaned when she dragged her claws down his hide. The other thugs would chime in, commenting on what a dancer he was as he flinched and flailed away from the groping talons. They sometimes held him down, made it easier for Sillea to touch him. Eventually, they did more while she watched, laughing at his pain and his cries.</p><p><br/>When they were done with him for the day they cut him loose and left him in the crumpled heap he fell in. He didn’t have the strength to move. As the door shut behind his tormenters, he let out a soft keen, too distressed and sore and miserable to keep it in any longer. Escape was starting to look impossible. He started trying to think of ways to end it, provoke her too far, make her slip up. He knew he was fucked, knew that eventually he’d break, knew that he wasn’t good enough. He knew he was in trouble when a small part in the back of his mind hoped for Saren to somehow find and save him. Even if he was looking, there was no way to know where he was.</p><p><br/>The next day was more of the same. More pain, more questions, more insults, more touches that left him trembling. The only balm was no one but Sillea violated him this time. She varied her methods, never repeating the same thing in a row. Knives and talons cut him, her fists and an iron pipe pummeled him. Hunger, thirst, lack of sleep and pain combined to weaken him further. Several teeth were knocked out over the next few days and his talons were pulled back before each finger was meticulously broken. Even though Sillea took a perverse pleasure at the direct insults to Nihlus, she still did her job, asking where Saren was, what he was doing, what he was planning….</p><p><br/>The dual affront on his psyche and his physical body was beginning to take a toll. The worst was how her voice would worm its way into those dark recesses of his mind. <em>I’m not cut for this. Saren doesn’t care what happens to me. I’ve failed just like every other time.</em> She seemed to find these doubts and would latch onto them. “Why resist so hard? Do you think he is coming? Why do you think he’ll come hmm? You’re just a contact to him, a tool. Now you’re a broken tool, no good for anyone. If you’re so important to him, why has he not come for you? Surely a Spectre of his status would be able to find a mewling worm like you by now.”</p><p><br/>After a while his own voice deserted him, broken like so many of his bones. Still, Sillea pounced on the opportunity to taunt and torment him. “You’re awful quiet my dear. Why? Worried you’ll break? Tell us something? Let me tell you a secret; you’re already broken. You’re mine now.”</p><p>Each day fluctuated between physical punishments and perverse fondling. Sometimes she’d have the others touch him, dragging their filthy claws down his torso, making him writhe and pant in anxiety, terrified they’d do more, shattered when they did. No matter how hard he tried to escape into his own head Sillea was there. “Look at you, it almost seems like you like this. Look how you tremble and squirm. Pathetic. Do you enjoy it? You must, you keep making us do this to you…Did he do these things to you too? You seem to be able to take a lot...”</p><p><br/>His own mind started conjuring up hallucinations and its own commentary. It does that after a while, especially when deprived of sleep, nourishment or when the head encasing said mind was repeatedly hit with hard, blunt objects. All his self-doubts and insecurities that he thought he’d repressed were rearing their ugly heads, coached on by Sillea. <em>Why did I think I could do this? Saren would have never gotten in such a mess…I’m not cut out for this, what made me think I could be his equal.</em> Worse was when Sillea touched him.<em> What is wrong with me? Why do I respond to her like I do? Spirits I’m so fucked up. I am defective. Subpar. Useless. Saren never did like any of my partners, must have seen this in me, seen this flaw…No wonder he doesn’t want me…</em></p><p>Unconsciousness and what little sleep they permitted him didn’t help as the events of the day would bleed into his dreams, turning them into nightmares. Sometimes he’d fade out during a “session” and only Sillea’s screech of anger would bring him out as she slashed at a new part of his body.</p><p> </p><p>o.O.o</p><p><br/>He wasn’t sure what day it was any more or even if it was day. It was always dark in that storage room. One of his eyes had swollen shut the day before so what little light he could see was reduced by half. Once more they had him strung up by his wrists, hanging him from a chain as she used the iron pipe on him again. She seemed to enjoy it. He kept fading in and out of consciousness. Pain had become the new constant in his life and only the newest injuries made any difference. Sillea still continued to molest him but his litany of “Don’t touch me” had lost the ring and seemed to bore her. He hoped he was close to his end. A swaying motion had him dry heaving as he swam back up from the depths of the darkness. At first, he thought the swaying motion was due to his own weakness or disorientation but as he forced his eye open he could see that some of the crates had toppled and his captors, including Sillea, had paused and were looking around with worried expressions. A dull, faint boom sounded, and a moment later a shock ran through their room. At a jerk of her head sent the others out of the room before Sillea turning once again to Nihlus.</p><p><br/>“Oh don’t worry my pet, we’ll not be disturbed down here, don’t you worry” she said with a smile but Nihlus could see that it no longer reached her twisted eyes. The metal rod had cooled again to an angry red but she set it back to the flame. She approached him with nothing but her bare hands. Nihlus, long past any stoicism, operating mostly on instinct and well aware of the damage she could inflict with just those struggled feebly, trying to move away from her to no avail. She pressed a hand to his recently burned side and it felt like she had branded him anew. Another explosion, this one a bit larger than previous, racked the building again. Gunfire could be heard faintly from above. She cocked an ear towards the ceiling then ducked her head as the communicator in her ear sounded loud enough for even Nihlus to hear even if he couldn’t make out the words. She gave a soft growl as she grabbed Nihlus’ fringe, wrenching his head back.</p><p>“Where is Arterious! Tell me what you know of him!” she demanded.</p><p><br/>Nihlus couldn’t help it. He laughed. Sillea was panicked. Oh, she masked it well but she was uneasy. Her voice was too high and her sub-tones had lost the mocking tone. She no longer made lewd gestures with her body and her movements were strictly business, no lithe grace. The explosions and gunfire had triggered something in her or her superiors. They no longer had the luxury of time. He didn’t bother to think that it was Saren attacking the base. There was no way he could have found him, it had been too long and he had probably given up if he’d even tried in the first place. It was probably just a rival gang attacking. In that case, they would get as much information out of him as they could before either killing him or leaving him for dead. If they killed him at least the pain would end. If they left him the pain would still end. In either case, he just had to hold on a little longer…<em> I did it. I finally did something right…</em></p><p><br/>Sillea obviously didn’t appreciate his newfound insolence. With a snarl she lashed her talons across his face, drawing fresh blood, as she turned and grabbed the metal rod again. Nihlus’ laughter turned to screams again as the metal melted his flesh. She repeatedly thrashed him even after it had cooled and no longer burned. Nihlus’ cries alternated between gasping sobs and maniacal laughter but mostly he just grinned. At her wordless screech of anger, he cackled in her face, “You are so fucked you bitch!” before devolving into a gasping grunt as she slugged him in the ribs, sharp pain exploding a new with a crack. <em>There goes another rib, almost a matching set now.</em> Explosions were now almost constant and Sillea was having difficulty maintaining her footing. The bindings above Nihlus’ arms kept him upright but even he was swaying and not just from delirium. Gunfire was growing to a deafening clamor and moving close. Sillea glanced over to the door then dropped the rod and started slashing at Nihlus’ torso. Over and over she screamed at him, demanding to know where Saren was, but Nihlus only laughed in her face, beyond the pain of torn plates. As she reared back to slash across his face again, a blossom of blue opened up on her shoulder, knocking her back to the floor. She fell on her back, clutching at the wound and attempting to stem the flow with her hand.</p><p><br/>Nihlus jerked in surprise, starting at his tormenter rolling on the dirty floor. His body screamed at him but he was only focused on Her. Another blossom of blue appeared, this time on her right knee before he even registered the retort of the pistol. She screamed and writhed on the floor as her shooter approached. Due to his bindings, Nihlus couldn’t turn to face this new intruder and so surrendered himself to whatever would come. He briefly wondered if he was next for the bullet or if he would just be ignored but his adrenaline had run out. She was down. His will had run out. She was no longer hurting him. She was down. The pain had stopped. She was down. Down. That was all that mattered. He allowed himself to sag against his bonds and dropped his head to his chest, eyes closing in relief and acceptance.</p><p><br/>Soft, booted footsteps approached from behind him and it was then that Nihlus registered that the gunfire had stopped. Explosions and warnings still blared but they were distant. All he wanted to do was slip into the darkness that beckoned so welcome to him but fingers clawed at his face again. He groaned and tried to pull away but another hand wrapped itself behind his head. Nihlus trembled, waiting for new blows to rain down but none came. The hands weren’t hurting him, not deliberately for it was impossible to hold him and avoid the many cuts and insults. Instead, he received a greater shock.</p><p><br/>“Nihlus! Nihlus please, look at me!”</p><p><br/><em>Saren! It was Saren, he found me!</em> Against all odds, against his own word, against the impossible Saren had found him, <em>had come for him!</em> Relief, gratitude, new willpower, and a dozen other emotions to nebulous to define washed over Nihlus and he shook for an entirely different reason. As Saren’s tone became more beseeching Nihlus realized he should probably respond to his liberator. It was a struggle to raise his head but he did. He felt his heart drop out of his chest when he opened his functioning eye to look into Saren’s icy blue gaze. It almost hadn’t felt real until then, as if it were a hallucination. But then all doubts were erased.</p><p><br/>“Thank the fucking Spirits” Saren breathed before he shifted his grip to either side of Nihlus’ head and pressed his mouth against Nihlus’ in a desperate, heated embrace.</p><p><br/>o.O.o</p><p><br/>“You came for me” Nihlus breathed as they broke apart. His tongue felt thick and he winced a little at how raspy and broken his voice was but Saren didn’t seem to care. He still held Nihlus, eyes roaming over his face and the many insults to it.<br/>“Of course I came for you.” Nihlus could have sworn he was delirious as a slow, wry grin snuck its way around Saren’s face. He released Nihlus’ face and cut his bonds, catching the younger turian as he fell. “Can you stand?”<br/>“Yeah” Nihlus murmured as he tried, promptly collapsed, and fell to his knees. He tried again but wobbled and sunk again as his body refused to cooperate.<br/>“Bullshit. Don’t lie to me.” The words were gruff but the tone held a small trace of humor. He pulled a small patch from a side pouch and even through the haze, Nihlus recognized the stim patch. It must have been bad; Saren hated stims. He quickly slapped it to a relatively intact patch of skin on Nihlus’ neck before reaching down and pulling the mysteriously unbroken arm around his own armor-clad shoulders, his other arm wrapping around his abused waist and torso.</p><p><br/>Nihlus tried to help as best as he could but he was weak, in shock, and relief was still singing through his veins, as heady as red sand. The stim patch kicked in but while it provided a wash of clearness, it made his limbs twitch and spasm. He was mildly surprised he had enough blood left to carry the drug around his body. Saren was patient and moved slowly to accommodate him, always supporting him with a strong grip. They reached a standing position and had almost turned to the door when a wet laugh halted them. Silla it seemed, was still alive.</p><p><br/>“Hehehe, I-I-I knew it!<em> *Cough*</em> I knew you knew more than you let on, m-messenger boy!” Blue tinted saliva dribbled down her chin while the thicker blood still oozed from her wounds. “W-what is he to you hmm? Your teacher? Your master? No, that’s n-not it. What sick f-fuck would molest something so broken like that huh? Are you his friend?” Her laughter made the word into an insult.</p><p><br/>Rage flooded Nihlus, banishing any remaining lassitude in his limbs. He fumbled at Saren’s waist, reaching for the holstered pistol. His numb fingers failed to cooperate and grasp the handle as Sillea continued. “He doesn’t have f-friends. He has tools, tools he uses. How did he use you? Look at how he-he-he touches you! How y-you like it! You must be his little trollop! Hmm, his little whore! Ha! You p-probably were the one to initiate it you sack of sh-sh-shit! Weak…pathetic…”</p><p><br/>Saren helped him finally grasp the weapon. Nihlus aimed it at her mocking face but his arm was shaking so much the shot when wide. Too wide. It hit a crate. Sillea only laughed. “Ha! Whasa matter maggot? Does he mean something to you? Don’t like me picking at your dearest?”<br/>“Shut up!” Nihlus screamed, quaking in rage. He fired again but once more his shot went wide.<br/>“You care for him don’t you runt? Why? He doesn’t return the sentiment! Why else would he have waited so long to rescue you hmm? He wanted to make sure you were broken, were no good to anyone else. You’re of no value to anyone anymore!” She didn’t even flinch as another shot made a hole next to her head. “You’re worthless! You’re just another pile of flesh to fuck!”<br/>“Help me” Nihlus cried to Saren; His arm was shaking so hard and threatening to drop. Saren obliged, remaining silent as his arm lent its support. Nihlus turned to the cackling, wounded turian. “Now you listen here, you bitch.” His voice was quiet, seething with rage. “I’m done talking. You’re done breathing.”</p><p><br/>The shot struck her in the left eye and splattered half her skull across the ground. The second obliterated the rest. The third hit her chest and made her body twitch. The fourth tore a hole in her abdomen. By the fifth, Saren had dropped his arm from Nihlus’ and had replaced it back around his waist. He waited, silent, and stoic until the thermal clip overheated and ejected. As the pistol clicked in a dry fire he quietly spoke, “Nihlus”.</p><p><br/>Nihlus was breathing heavily, still filled with rage but it was bleeding out of him rapidly. Rage could only be sustained on raw emotion for so long and fatigue was winning once again. He couldn’t bring himself to look over at Saren. While Nihlus’ emotion had always run hot, Saren was never one to let his emotions get the best of him. He’d been reprimanded several times before on his rash behavior and actions. It had been a while since the last lecture but Nihlus couldn’t contain himself. Not after this. He needed to see her gone. See her erased from the galaxy. Even as he splattered more and more of her across that dirty floor Nihlus understood he was irrational. Saren was never tolerant of anything but rationality but this once he seemed to make an exception. He didn’t offer one word in reproach.</p><p><br/>“Let’s go.” At Nihlus’ quiet murmur, Saren half carried, half dragged Nihlus from the dark room. Nihlus could only offer marginal support and hissed as his many injuries made their complaints known. Exhaustion and pain painted everything in a gray mist. Even in his fog, the scope of the destruction that Saren had wrought made itself know. Bodies lay strewn everywhere and blood of every color painted the halls. Walls and ceilings were caved in, windows were broken, doors were smashed in and everywhere destruction and flame littered the path. The air smelled heavily of detonated explosives. While impressive it was unusual. Saren was practical and didn’t waste more than he had to. One shot, one body. One explosive per room. This was a whole new scale. The amount of ordinance involved made Nihlus’ mind reel. It didn’t look like anything less than an orbital bombardment. There was no way Saren could have done that though, not without risking Nihlus’ safety.</p><p><br/>Maybe it was a combination of the stimulants and the trauma he’d just been through but Nihlus felt his mind reeling at the imposing sights. He began to consider that maybe Saren didn’t have as tight of control on his emotions as he thought. Maybe he too sometimes couldn’t control the torrent racing through him. It certainly looked like a whirlwind had torn through. With the usual grace and efficiently, Saren steered them through the destruction, arriving at a back door at ground level. They encountered no resistance. It was possible that most had fled but the body count didn’t allow much hope for survivors.</p><p><br/>Fresh air hit Nihlus like a punch to the gut. He couldn’t get enough of it. Even with Saren’s support, he stumbled a little, falling to bruised knees. The grey mist turned black then gray again. Nihlus felt Saren gently shaking his shoulder, urging him to stand one more. Clear skies were overhead but the scent of rain was on the breeze. It felt strange to breathe clean air again. <em>How long was I there?</em> The building that had become his prison lay on a flat field with high grass in all directions. The edges of a hazy city could be seen several kilometers away. A brief movement to the side, near the edge of the perimeter, caught his gaze.</p><p><br/>“Saren” his voice was barely more than a croak. His chest burned and every limb shook with fatigue. He gave a feeble nod in the direction of the movement. “He’s getting away.”</p><p><br/>Icy blue eyes followed the gaze of hazy green ones to take in the image of the retreating back of the batarian boss making his way to a few waiting vehicles that lay in the opposite direction of Saren’s waiting ship. Nihlus could feel the resignation sinking into him. He knew Saren wanted, <em>needed</em>, to pursue the enemies but all he wanted to do was sleep for the next year. He whimpered a little in the back of his throat, conceding that Saren would go and leav-<br/>“There are more important things” Saren muttered before once hauling Nihlus to his feet and leading the way towards his ship. His sub vocals only contained only a trace amount of bitterness at having his prey slip away.</p><p><br/>Nihlus could only blink. More important things? How many times had Saren drilled the importance of finishing the mission into him? The Specter would go to incredible lengths to accomplish his goals, a single-minded determination that drove him while he was on the job. And yet here he was, carrying his failed student in one direction while the culprit got away. Nihlus knew he was gawking but he couldn’t look away. Saren had demolished an entire building, killed so many people, and destroyed so much all in his search to bring him back. He was glad his mouth was too dry to speak as he feared his sub tones would be broadcasting feelings he wasn’t ready to admit yet. He sagged as Saren’s warmth, strength and scent surrounded him in an aura that had come to mean safety and power. Saren had used that strength and determination to come for him.<em> For him!</em></p><p><br/>Nihlus barely noticed as they boarded the ship and Saren steered him towards the bunk. His thoughts while rapidly spiraling into incoherence, were at the moment focused on the kiss that had been so desperately brought down upon him. Nihlus’ heart thudded in a whole different kind of rhythm than exhaustion when he thought about it. Fortunately for it, he didn’t have to think much further of it as Saren barked a launch command to Cabal, the ship’s VI, before dragging Nihlus to his bunk. No, not his own bunk, Saren’s bunk. Saren’s scent permeated his nostrils as Nihlus relaxed into the soft bedding’s embrace.</p><p><br/>Saren slapped another stim patch onto Nihlus before proceeding to strip him of his filthy clothing remnants with the precise hand of a trained medic. The drugs coursing through his system made Nihlus feel jittery and anxious but he didn't have any outlet, couldn’t do anything. Saren didn’t seem to notice as he fetched warm water, cleaning supplies, and a small medkit. Surprisingly, Nihlus felt self-conscious under the scrutinizing gaze of the older turian even though he knew he needed his wounds tended too. Shame began to well up despite his efforts along with revulsion. <em>This was Saren damnit!</em> Still, it felt like Sillea’s hands had left marks of filth along his body, marks that should be visible they were so tainted, so wrong. <em>Why had he responded to her like that? I told her not to touch me!</em></p><p><br/>“Nihlus?” He blinked as Saren spoke his name softly, inquiringly. It was with a small start that he had realized that Saren had paused his ministrations, removing his hands and the cleaning cloth entirely from Nihlus’ body.<br/>“I-I’m fine.”<br/>Saren just raised an eye ridge at him. “You just said ‘don’t touch me.’”<br/>“I…I did…no…” <em>Oh Spirits, I’m talking to voices in my head! Oh Spirits I’m so fucked.</em><br/>“I need to get wounds cleansed before infection sets in.” <em>Can you handle this?</em> his sub tones asked.</p><p><br/>Nihlus just nodded his assent, trying to get his breathing under control. <em>This is Saren, relax.</em> The care taken on his open wounds and tender hide was nothing he would have expected from the hardened Specter. It clashed with the deep look of concentration on his battle-scarred face and the smear of grime and blood on the armor he’d yet to shed. Saren worked in silence aside from the hum of the ship for Nihlus had a hard time finding his voice let alone any words to give voice too. The weight of the dead air between them pressed down. Even though Saren took the utmost caution in his ministrations, pain was unavoidable as the antiseptics stung the exposed flesh. Despite his efforts, small hisses escaped him. Sarens’ gaze flickered from his work to Nihlus’ face for a moment before returning to his work.</p><p><br/>“Come on Specter, don’t be such a hatchling” he muttered, not unkindly, half under his breath.<br/>“I’m not” The protest was halfhearted as Nihlus closed his eyes and leaned against the pillows. <span class="u">He doesn’t know how she touched me, it’s just wounds to him</span>. Briefly, he wondered at how Saren didn’t see the stains left on him. <em>No, that’s dumb. She can’t leave those marks, she can’t, she can’t she--</em></p><p><br/>Saren’s methodical administrations worked down Nihlus’ torso reaching a particularly nasty burn on his waist. Nihlus twitched and uttered a thrumming cry that startled even him. The white hands stopped their work and ice blue eyes shot up to meet shocked green ones. Nihlus felt his neck getting hot; the sound hadn’t exactly been pained. Or chaste. Electricity seemed to fill the air and Nihlus swore he could feel it running over his skin. He had to force himself not to squirm as Saren’s strong hand still remained on his sensitive waist. The older turians breath slowed, almost as if he was holding it.</p><p><br/>Nihlus’ eyes shot open but he couldn’t face Saren. Voices clashed against his skull as he stared at the bulkhead of the ship.</p><p>(He knows, knows you liked to be touched. Listen to you!)</p><p>
  <em>Shut up! Oh Spirits, she was right! I am pathetic, how could I have done that?</em>
</p><p><br/>With the strength of a magnetic field, Nihlus felt his eyes drawn and held to Saren's face. He studied every line and curve, the unmarked hide, and finally his mouth. The same mouth that had been pressed to his not an hour past.<br/>(You wretch, you can’t stop your pathetic panting! Like a bitch in heat)<br/><em>Shut up! He kissed me. He kissed me! Will he touch me again?... Do I want to be touched again?</em></p><p><br/>The tension was giving him a headache. It felt like hours had passed but it had to have been only a few minutes, only a few minutes, only a few minutes. Maybe if Saren touched him again, he could tell, he could, could… He had to say something, anything, to get Saren to move closer but the pale turian cleared his throat and rose from his position. Their locked gaze broke as Saren turned to the small table where he had placed the supplies. Nihlus felt his stomach plummet and his breath wheeze as his chest constricted.</p><p><br/>(See! He knows what a wyrm you are, how you pant after the nearest thing in sight! He can’t stand you!)<br/><em>Shut up! Please shut up!</em></p><p><br/>He watched Saren’s back as he rummaged around with the cleaning supplies. Several bottles tipped over as Saren’s hands shook with uncharacteristic awkwardness but Nihlus didn’t notice.</p><p><em>What’s wrong? He touched me before, he kissed me before? Why now? Why won’t he--</em><br/>(You’re filth. You’re sick and you disgust him! He knows you belong to me!<br/><em>--touch me? Please, I just need him to touch me before I burst! It’s too much, I can’t stand it I can’t—</em><br/>A shock jolted Nihlus’ body as he realized that maybe that was what had turned Saren away. Saren had always hated failure, hated weakness. He could never have abided it, would never tolerate it.<br/><em>Why then? Why’d he come? Why did he ki—</em><br/>(You’ve failed you miserable fuck!)<br/><em>SHUT UP!</em></p><p><br/>Saren returned to the spot next to Nihlus and resumed his work, avoiding Nihlus’ waist. He kept his gaze down, avoiding Nihlus’ beseeching stare and focused on a nasty laceration to Nihlus’ calf. Swallowing hard, Nihlus forced his mind back to the present. He flinched as he caught a reflected glimpse of himself in the decanter by the bedside. Horror and revulsion hammered though Nihlus. He hadn’t noticed how much grime and filth he was covered in while he was at the merc base and even though the pile of filthy rags attested to Saren’s ministrations, Nihlus suddenly felt even dirtier when Sillea had…when Sillea…when she’d…. His mind wouldn’t allow him to finish the thought.<br/>(You liked it, failure)<br/>Did Saren think that the sound of arousal was a result of the torture and mind games? That it wasn’t genuine? <em>But he kissed me! That was real, not a hallucination! Wasn’t it? Wasn’t it?</em></p><p><br/>“How did you find me anyways?” He had to say something, anything. The silence was too much (Scream for me!) he had to say something. It seemed a safe enough topic but he found he couldn’t even look in Saren’s direction.<br/>“I tracked down that asari. The contact. She was the one who gave the coordinates.” The set of his mandibles attested clearer than words that she hadn’t done so voluntarily. Knowing Saren’s methods, Nihlus knew his coercive tactics hadn’t been pleasant. He wasn’t sure how to respond. On one hand he was touched that Saren had done whatever it took to find him but knowing how Saren usually worked touched something raw inside him. It was too close to…No, don’t think about that. Not now, not now….</p><p>(He could do the same to you…and you’d like it)</p><p><br/>“And so you found the building and….” He trailed off, waiting for Saren to continue but when his only reply was a gentle dab at yet another burn he attempted to fill the silence. He had to fill the silence, had to keep her quiet. It was harder than he thought. His thoughts were a jumble. He blurted out the first thing that he landed on. “Did you really have to, to destroy it so thoroughly?”<br/>Saren didn’t look at him as he responded, “Yes. I really did.”</p><p><br/>(He likes hurting things. He likes hurting people.)</p><p>
  <br/>
  <em>Shut up! He’d never hurt me….Right?</em>
</p><p><br/>Bandages and compresses were produced and wrapped around Nihlus’ body. His chest was bound tightly, his left arm placed in a makeshift sling and his various cuts stitched. Blue blood was seeping through, staining the white gauze. The sight of it made Nihlus breath heavier. It was one thing when the dark of the room had obscured it, he could ignore it then but now…now…</p><p><br/>(Look at it all! Look at the mess you’ve made with your failure-)</p><p><em>Shut up, shut up please just shut up!</em><br/>(Remember when I cut you there? Or how about there? How you screamed…)<br/><em>No, no, no just shut up! Just shut up, don’t touch me!</em><br/>(You had such a pathetic voice when you beg, do you beg for him? Go on beg him to touch you!)</p><p><br/>“Stop it! Just stop it, please!”</p><p><br/>It took him a moment to realize that once again Saren had stopped his work and was now staring at Nihlus with worry. “Nihlus, where are you right now?” His voice was soft but there was a timbre of steel in the undercurrents.<br/>Nihlus looked at him in puzzlement. What kind of question was that? “Your ship. I, we, are on your ship.”<br/>“What day is it?”<br/>Panic surged again as he realized he didn’t know. He didn’t know how long he had been held so he couldn’t know what day it was. Saren would be mad. He hated when Nihlus didn’t know the right answer, didn’t do the right thing.<br/>“Saren, please, I-I don’t know! I’m sorry I don’t know! Please, how long was I gone?” A gentle hand touched his shoulder and gave him a brief squeeze.<br/>“Calm down Nihlus. You’ve been gone a week.” Saren didn’t seem mad, in fact, he seemed more worried.<br/>Nihlus blinked, his mind a soft buzz. A week? A whole week with Sillea? He shook a little at the thought.<br/>“Are you hungry? When did you last eat?”<br/>“I don’t know” he replied honestly. “I had some water. A few days ago I think. I couldn’t keep track.” <em>Spirits I’m so tired. I just want to sleep.</em><br/><em>“</em>You can in a moment.”</p><p><br/>Nihlus started again.<em> Did I say that out loud? Why can’t I keep track?</em> Saren’s voice tugged his wandering attention back.<br/>“I’ll let you sleep in a moment. But first I need to finish attending to your wounds and get you some fluids. You’re delirious but I need you to stay with me for just a little longer. Can you do that?”</p><p><br/>Nihlus nodded. Saren’s had always been able to get Nihlus to listen to him, there was something in the quality of his voice, the way he spoke. It was easier to ignore that other voice when Saren was talking. He finished his work in silence, keeping a close eye on Nihlus’ face as he did but <em>her</em> voice was quiet as well. The soft hum of the ship's engine was the only sound and Nihlus found himself settling down, his eyelids drooping. He vaguely registered Saren saying he was going to get some more supplies from the other room. Everything still hurt even with the topical anesthetics Saren had used. His hands were still numb and he couldn’t move them. Maybe if he just closed his eyes for a brief moment….</p><p><br/>“Nihlus”<br/>The gentle tone still had Nihlus jumping and then gasping as his body reminded him of its condition. Saren was sitting next to him on the bed. He had a bowl of something delicious smelling in his hands. He made no comment at Nihlus’ movements and waited patiently for him to settle.<br/>“Is that food? I thought I was supposed to start with fluids?” Saren nodded towards Nihlus’ right arm. An IV ran from his forearm and up to bag hanging above his head. He couldn’t feel the needle or the cold fluids pouring in. Nihlus gave a small cough, embarrassed. Tentatively he asked, “How long was I out?” It seemed very important he keep track of time for some reason. Keep track of where he was.<br/>“About an hour. You’re showing no ill effects from those fluids so I think you can stand something a little more substantial.”</p><p><br/>It was actually a very thin soup, broth really and it was the most decadent thing Nihlus could remember eating. Saren had to spoon it into him, one mouthful at a time, but it was a good thing. Otherwise, he probably would have tried to eat too fast and choked if he could have even forced his hands to cooperate. Even still he felt pathetic, ashamed. He felt himself growing warm. Saren was precise and steady, showing no hesitation but it only aggravated the divide Nihlus thought he could feel growing. He had to get Saren to think of him as an equal, a partner again. Maybe more than just a partner… <em>Not this weak, pitiful wretch.</em></p><p>(You’ll never be a partner) He ignored the voice this time. He had more important things to do.</p><p>As the last of the bowl disappeared into his aching stomach, Nihlus attempted to get up, intent on resuming his duties and proving to Saren that he was still whole and functional, that he could finish the botched mission. But his traitorous arms betrayed him before he could even rise and he fell winded against his pillows. He struggled to sit up again but was blocked by Saren’s strong hand on his shoulder. He used no force, just the weight of it was enough to keep him down.<br/>“Let me up, I’ve got a report to write and…and armor to clean and…and…” Strange, his voice seemed weaker than it did before…<em>Why was it warm?</em><br/>“What in blazes do you mean?” Sarens voice was firm but puzzled. “You’re not leaving this bed until we dock at the Citadel. Even then you’ll be transferred to the medics at Huerta” His eye ridges were raised but at least he was looking at Nihlus again.</p><p>Emboldened Nihlus again struggled to rise. “I don-I don’t n-need a hospital. I’ll be fine. I-I am fine” His vison started to swim but he still tried to rise. <em>Why was Saren looking at him with such concern? He was fine. He…He’d be fine…</em> A cold sweat broke out over his flushed skin- <em>I disgust him! -</em>. “Please Saren, I’m ok, I promise. I’m ok” He had to convince Saren he was…normal. Surely of all people, Saren would understand that.<br/>“Nihlus you’ve just gone through a traumatic ordeal. You need help. I can’t provide that help right now.”<br/>“Please don’t leave me Saren! I promise I’m fine! I’ll be okay! I promise I will-“<em> why was it so hot?</em><br/>Saren interrupted him, “This is beyond your control right now. I need to just lay down and stay still.”</p><p><br/>(See how weak you are! Depending on others to care for you! You are worthless, a parasite, a leach!)<br/><em>Shut UP! Could Saren hear her voice? Was he listening to it? Can Saren hear it? Can he? Can he hear that lying voice?</em></p><p>Saren transferred his hand from Nihlus’ shoulder to his forehead. His eye ridges drew down in concern as he cursed under his breath. “Lay still. Don’t move” he growled as he stalked over to the med kit. He grabbed a bottle and syringe before returning to the IV line.</p><p><br/>(Filthy, repulsive, weak, wretch- )</p><p><br/>Nihlus obeyed as kept his gaze riveted to Saren’s form but as the syringe injected its contents into the bag, he started to shiver. The room was at once too hot and too cold. He’d rather be hot, he’d had enough of that cold room. He fumbled for the IV line, it must be what was making him shake. <em>Not that voice, it can’t be that voice.</em> That wasn’t real. It had to be whatever was in the line. That was real. It had to be the new drugs. <em>Why is Saren drugging me?</em> He needed it out, he needed to get up, resume his duties, needed to prove he was deserving of Saren’s attention.<em> Whatever was in the bag was making him weak. He needed to get up!</em></p><p><br/>(You’ll never be worth it! You’re weak!)<br/><em>SHUT UP</em>!</p><p><br/>Saren batted his hand away with annoying ease. “Nihlus lay still and be quiet. You’re running a fever and hallucinating. I need you to just lay down and stay calm. It’s just you and me, we’re on my ship, remember?” One hand held Nihlus’ arm down and the other reached up to feel the racing pulse in his neck.</p><p><br/>(He’ll kill you himself!)<br/>“NO DON’T!” Nihlus shrieked. It was her voice! Her words in his head. He could just feel it, feel her hands on this throat again. He couldn’t take it, couldn’t take another round of the electricity, another touch. He could see Sillea grinning down at him, malevolence in her eyes. ‘Wretch’ she whispered.<br/>“Shut up! Shut up shut up shut up! Don’t touch me!"</p><p><br/>Saren pulled his hand away from his neck but immediately placed it back on Nihlus’ shoulders holding him down as he thrashed. The younger turian was hot under his touch yet his skin felt clammy. Sweat was beading along his face and neck, his breath coming in sharp gasps. Green eyes were over bright and staring at nothing. He glanced at the IV bag, willing the fluids and drugs to go in faster.</p><p><br/>Sillea’s face and Saren’s familiar plates swam before Nihlus’ eyes <em>When did he get here? Does he know what she did? Did he hear her? Did he believe her?</em> “Saren please, I didn’t let her touch me! I didn’t’ want her too. I-I swear I didn’t. She tried but I didn’t-“He put as much sincerity as he could into his pleading. Saren had to believe him! <em>Believe that he wouldn’t spread his plates for anyone, that she forced him, she--</em>He started to thrash feebly, his voice broken and disjointed. Her face kept floating in front of his eyes, taunting him. He had to get Saren to trust him!</p><p><br/>Saren stared down at his delirious patient with concern. He kept switching between begging to get up and for this ‘Sillea’ person to stop touching him, telling her to shut up. The antibiotics would take care of the fever and delirium but it would take time. Cursing himself for not starting them sooner Saren hesitated as debated with himself. It wasn’t safe to give Nihlus a sedative with all the trauma he’d endured but he risked hurting himself more if he kept thrashing. Cursing again, Saren grabbed a tranq-patch and slapped it against his neck.</p><p><br/>Hands were at his throat again, bringing a cold numbness. He’d expected more pain so the shock forced him to pause for a moment. He couldn’t see clearly anymore, the walls weren’t aligning with the ceiling correctly. Nihlus thought he saw Saren peering at him in concern and so tried to call out to him but his mouth was full of cotton. He called out, louder this time –(Yes scream for me!)- but Saren didn’t respond. He reached out but his arms weren’t responding. Nihlus again felt the darkness creeping up on him and though he tried to fight it, he eventually succumbed.</p><p><br/>Time seemed to dissolve into a nebulous enigma. He wasn’t asleep but he wasn’t awake either. Everything still hurt but it was at a distance as if it wasn’t his pain. He didn’t know where he was, only that he was freezing and yet too hot. <em>Am I back in the storage room? Was Saren a dream? Oh spirits no!</em> He clawed his way up from the grasping feeling of being trapped and found Saren, offering a comforting hand and soft words. Right, he was on Saren’s ship. Safe. Even she was quiet, gone. His racing heartbeat immediately calmed but he noticed that Saren wore a concerned look. <em>He knows. He has to know.</em></p><p><br/>“’M okay” he muttered, afraid to look too long at the silver face. Glimpses and fragments of the past several hours since his rescue floated to the surface of his thoughts. The medications in his system gave him the space to look at himself and how he had acted. Horrified at his own delirium and weakness, Nihlus couldn’t face even his reflection, let alone Saren. <em>If he didn’t know before what all happened I might as well have drawn a picture for him. I am pathetic.</em> “I’m fine.”</p><p><br/>Saren made a noncommittal hum before asking if Nihlus wanted more soup. At his silent nod, he reached for the bowl sitting beside the bed. Nihlus tried to reach for the bowl and spoon but the thick bandages wouldn’t allow him to properly grasp it. Saren pulled the bowl out of reach and started to resume spoon-feeding him again. At the first bite, Nihlus felt shame welling up in him at being treated as such an invalid. A soft keening whine started in his chest and made its way up this throat before he could quench it.</p><p><br/>“Nihlus, what’s wrong? Are you in pain?” Saren set the bowl down and reached for Nihlus’ cheek.<br/>At the warm contact Nihlus gave a soft sob and leaned his face into Saren’s calloused palm. He quickly stifled it closing his eyes as the keening sound continued. <em>His touch feels so good, I can’t get enough…</em><br/><em>“</em>Talk to me Nihlus! Tell me what’s wrong” Saren’s soft voice had a trace of urgency in his sub tones. <em>How can he stand to touch me? Spirits I want him so much right now! He must think, must know, I’m a pathetic mess but he’s touching me and I want, I need more!</em></p><p><br/>Still too choked, Nihlus couldn’t find his voice. Instead, he raised his wobbly arms to Saren’s cowl. Sometime previously Saren had changed out of his armor into soft civilian clothes. He tried to pull Saren closer but his grip was weaker than a newborn. Saren allowed himself to be drawn down, acquiescing to Nihlus’ silent request.  Their mouths met with a gentle touch, no less passionate than the first kiss in the basement. The keen in Nihlus’ chest changed from an anguished tone to an apologetic one then relaxed into a far more intimate one. His chest heaved as Saren reciprocated, pushing into him as his scent filled his nose. Their kiss deepened as their mouths opened to each other. Warmth flooded his system, chasing the terror and revulsion back into a corner. He could feel his practical side war with his emotions, pushing his pain and exhaustion away, demanding more!</p><p><br/>Pale mandibles fluttered in amusement at the tone in Nihlus’ chest then pulled away, breaking the kiss. He only retreated a few millimeters allowing them to stare into each other’s eyes. Warmth and some amusement radiated from Saren’s. He raised an eye ridge as if in question.<br/>Nihlus drew a shuddering gasp before replying slowly. “I-I-I thought that I had…repulsed you. Th-that you thought I was….tainted. That I-“he had to pause. “That I enjoyed what Si---what she had done to me. She said such awful things. Back there. ” The last part was a whisper.</p><p><br/>Saren stroked a thumb along his mandible. “I’m ashamed at you, Nihlus, thinking that I would care what that trash had said or done.” Nihlus felt a warm flush that had nothing to do with fever fill his throat but Saren continued before he could reply. “I don’t know what I would have done if I’d been too late.”</p><p><br/>His throat closed up. Saren’s sub tones spoke of desire, fear, and honesty. His head swam at the implications, made him so dizzy he couldn’t do anything but tug weakly again at Saren’s cowl, wanting to resume where they had left off.<br/>This time Saren pulled away, chuckling softly at the grumbling from the dark turian. “Time enough for that later. Your fever is gone but you still need rest.”</p><p><br/>Nihlus knew he was right. His stomach was screaming at the mention of food and it was just loud enough to drown out other demands, even the sleep dragging at his eyelids. Saren gave Nihlus’ hand a soft squeeze he couldn’t feel, before picking up the bowl of soup again. The embarrassment was still present but no longer as crippling as it once was at being fed and treated like an invalid. Once the second bowl had made its way down Nihlus’ throat, Saren sat with him until he drifted off once more, this time without any voices other than Saren’s soft hum.</p>
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